I have a blog entitled “Staying Strong During the Silent Treatment” which you can find on this website. In the blog I discuss how you should respond to the silent treatment that is given by the narcissist. One of the recommendations I make is to not engage with the narcissist. This recommendation has led to many questions, and I wanted to provide a more thorough explanation on what it means if you don’t engage with the narcissist.
One of the favorite tactics of the narcissist is the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive communication tactic that is meant to punish someone and to “show” that person they have done something wrong. The silent treatment is passive- aggressive because the actual issue isn’t clearly identified to the alleged offender, rather, the person being passive-aggressive behaves in a way to demonstrate their unhappiness by not actually addressing what the issue is.
The silent treatment from your narcissistic partner is meant to cut off communication with you to show you they are unhappy, but the absence of directly addressing the issue leaves you wondering what you did wrong. And you may not have even done anything wrong other than behave in a way the narcissist doesn’t like, which is viewed as wrong by them.
The silent treatment is a control tactic used by the narcissist. You have somehow harmed their fragile ego and they are now exposed to feelings of shame. Because of their unstable sense of self, they cannot manage the perceived attack on them. So, they go silent. They don’t allow you to communicate with them, and they shut off communication to you. This is a defense mechanism narcissists use as a way to protect themselves from further narcissistic injury. When the narcissist gives the silent treatment, they are low on narcissist supply and need to ensure they use every tactic possible to protect against further loss of any remaining narcissistic supply they have.
When the narcissist feels attacked, you have punctured their fragile ego, and this increases the release of supply from their narcissist supply source. When they give the silent treatment, think of it as them trying to cover the hole so that no additional supply can be let out.
However, as the narcissist is losing supply due to their fragile ego being hurt, they are also frantically trying to refill their supply so they can return to a full supply tank. Remember the narcissist supply is their defense to the world they feel is out to get them. They must always have a full supply source so they can counter their fragile ego and low self-esteem.
The silent treatment by the narcissist is controlling from the sense that they take your voice away and you don’t have a chance to speak or defend yourself. However, it is also controlling because it is a form of baiting used by the narcissist. That is correct, when the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, they are baiting you. They want you to react to the silent treatment because the more upset they see you with the silent treatment, the happier they are, and the faster their supply can be filled.
When you engage with the narcissist by apologizing, giving the silent treatment back, or in any way commenting on their silent treatment, this allows the narcissist to continue to control you. When you draw attention to how their actions impact you, they will keep doing it to remain in control. The more out of control you appear to be, the more in control they feel. Each time you engage with the narcissist silent treatment, you have taken the bait.
So, what should you do instead of engaging with the narcissist's silent treatment and taking the bait? You should continue to interact with them as if they aren’t giving you the silent treatment. Continue to ask them questions, invite them places, and share meals with them. Act as you normally would if you weren’t getting the silent treatment. That might be difficult because who wants to treat someone with respect who is blatantly disrespecting them? However, not engaging with the narcissist and not taking the bait will be a much more effective way to confront their silent treatment.
If you have chosen to stay with the narcissist and be a part of the silent treatment, you must accept this is a control tactic the narcissist will continue to use, regardless of your thoughts on it. You can explain how it is wrong, how it hurts you, or anything else to get the narcissist to see your side. However, all that does is fuel their narcissistic supply and provides them more energy and resources to continue to abuse and control. The narcissist lacks empathy, and they aren’t looking for ways to make you feel better or to improve the relationship. They are focused solely on themselves and what they need.
When you don’t take the bait, the narcissist will have to find a different tactic to use. Make the narcissist work for their abusive ways and don’t continue to fuel the fire of their control and manipulation. If the narcissist has given you the silent treatment, live your life as you normally would and don’t get down on the narcissist’s level.