As a psychologist who has been seeing clients for almost 15 years, I’ve had many people come to treatment with concerns for their relationship. While some of the clients recognize the role they play in relationship difficulties, the expectation is often placed on their partner as the person who needs to change. If their partner changes, then the relationship would improve because now they can be different, and things will work out. As you can guess, this is often not successful. One of the first topics of discussion when someone comes to treatment is that you cannot change someone else, and you can only change yourself. So, if you can’t change someone else, then how can you improve your relationship if the other person doesn’t see any issues, doesn’t want to change, or doesn’t know how to change?
It can be frustrating when we are ready to change, but our partner is not. Not wanting to change can be due to many different reasons and understanding the reason is important. Does your partner not change because they don’t think they need to? Because they are depressed and don’t have the energy and motivation to change? Are they tired and working on change isn’t possible right now? If you can understand what the roadblock to change is, you can approach the topic in a way that might be more successful with your partner.
Knowing why your partner will not change doesn’t create change necessarily, but it does help you respond differently. As we have already established, and you likely know firsthand, you can’t change another person. You can only change yourself and your reaction. If you have been reacting the same way in the disagreements and arguments with your partner, then it is expected the results will be the same. Going in circles and following the same pattern is unlikely to lead to the other person waking up one day and responding differently.
When people present to therapy with concerns for how their relationship is not working, I inform them that to change their partner’s behavior, they must change how they interact with their partner. This is often not what they want to hear. They wonder why they must do the majority of the changing when the other person isn’t putting in the same effort. There is a simple response to that concern: Do you want to be happy in your relationship? If you changing leads to you being happy in the relationship, why wouldn’t you put in the effort, even if it isn’t an even 50/50 or even a 70/30. Although people say they want their partner to change, that is often not what they really mean. Their goal isn’t to make their partner into a different person. Their goal is to have a partner that they can get along with and be happy with.
While it takes two people to manage the relationship, it only requires one of the people to initiate the change. If you wait around for both of you to want to change at the same time, or you refuse to try any more until they show some initiative, you might be losing out on opportunities to have your relationship grow and develop.
When someone presents to therapy, that shows they are invested in change. They want things to be different, they just don’t know how to make it happen. What can you do?
To create change in the relationship, you want to create change in yourself and how you respond in the relationship. You might think you have tried everything already, but try to think outside of the box and what you haven’t tried yet. As you change your behavior and how you respond to your partner, you must be consistent. Being different one day, one week, or even one month isn’t enough for behavior change. You must be consistent and recognize change takes time. As you change your behaviors, your partner might work against the efforts you’re putting in. How frustrating! Here you are putting in what feels like 90% of the work and effort and they still resist it. Remember, change takes time. It might not be that your partner doesn’t want to change or for things to improve. It could simply be that change is hard and even under the best of circumstances we resist change.
If initially met with resistance, the change may come with time. Your partner now has the choice of changing with you and falling into this new pattern of behaviors and responses or continuing to behave and respond in the same way. If your partner sees the value in the changes, then they are more likely to come with you on the journey. If you can show your partner with your actions that you want things to be improved, then the process has value to them. People accept change when they can find value in the new process. When you can recognize what your partner doesn’t like in the relationship, then you can target the changes for them specifically. None of this means that you should lose yourself as a person. Continue to be you. The changes you are making are not in your interests, likes, or dislikes. It is in how you respond to disagreements and conflict in the relationship.
So, you have changed your behaviors in an effort to change the relationship dynamics, but it didn’t work. Now what? Not all relationships can be saved or are worth saving. During this process you have agreed to put in the majority effort and stayed the course for several months. If the other person is unwilling to consider the role they play in the success of the relationship, then it is likely time to move on. You have grown as a person and have demonstrated how to make changes in yourself to improve the outcome. This new skill can be used on someone else who will value it. When you have invested so much time and energy into something to make it work, it can be extremely difficult to walk away. Ask yourself if you are willing to put in more time; if the answer is no, then close this chapter and use your new skills and ability to consider someone else as a strength you will bring into the next relationship.